The last presidential
debate in real time

By Douglas McDaniel

Just as the debate began at 6 p.m. Arizona time, it is noticed that "Adele gives birth" is trending ahead of the presidential debate, and now we have just learned from good sources that Adele is a British pop star ... and you were more interested in Monday Night Football, weren't you?
Anyway, here's what this reviewer may or may not have heard ... a little adult attention deficit disorder or low blood sugar at dinner about all of this right at the start ... it's in Florida, so we can't blame the altitude: Did President Barack Obama let slip, instead of "Governor Romney" ... "General Romney"?
Maybe so ... Romney seems to think he's running against Woodrow Wilson. Obama chides the GOP candidate for being a little out of tune in terms of what's available now, in terms of modern weaponry, with a reference to "horses and bayonets."
Need to fact-check this later.
Another note: "Dear Mitt: How would you take advantage, politically speaking, to the famed World War I sea conflict known historically as the Battle of Jutland?"
There Romney goes with that bulgy forehead puppy dog face again. Must be something like what a porcupine does when in self-defense mode. He must be praying in there somewhere to himself ... We feel his pain. His voice is dry. Cracking. Must have talked himself silly already today. The Republican challenger is sounding very Porky Pig-esque tonight.
Was that new birth for Adele a boy or a girl? Hmmmm ... Get the research department on this, quick!
7:07 p.m., Arizona time, which is Pacific time, for all of you trend following folks out there ...
Romney is gulping, licking lips, but it's clear, he's definitely upped his geopolitical game, soaring past Sarah Palin now!
7:15 p.m. (whatever time)
These problems of empire create rocks in the talking head. Need to shave.
7:20 p.m. (Arizona has no daylight savings time)
More puppy dog face-isms from Romney ... Obama has the stage now and Romney seems to be the one napping now. Is he asleep or something? Where is the Great Interrupter? Is he, as Bob Dylan might sing, if he were an IRS agent, "invisible, with no secrets now to reveal ... tangled up in blues"?
Research editor: Make sure we get the Youtube.com link for this.
Just a few minutes later, Romney, hater of all birds, big or small, chirping defensive about the president's "attacking me."
This is a debate, right?
Blah, blah, blah (insert quote here later about whatever he's supposed to be saying). Wondering if Adele is okay, and who is winning on Monday Night Football.
Still more puppy dog face from Romney. Feel like this is one of those sad, pitiful commercials for the Humane Society ...
Almost done shaving ... Obama smiling bigger, great dental plan, he must have always had, than that Joe Biden cat.
7:29 p.m., whatever time
... Moisturizing now ... Well, at least Romney is convinced, after seeming to agree on all foreign policy issues with Obama, that he's "excited about the future." Aren't we all. Sounds like all of the Middle East is one big bad nuclear-armed powder keg like pre-war Europe before World War I. Maybe Romney has a point, or, you know, a bayonet.
Romney takes another pot-shot at Greece, birthplace of Plato's great study, "The Republic." He sure does have it in for those guys. Make note for further fact-checking: Get research on the location of Greece.
7:30 p.m., as the sun sinks on the empire, Arizona time ...
The debate is over. Somebody made it all stop. Thank our talking heads on TV now for not making it all stop more. There they go!
President Obama is embraced by wife Michelle with a gentle, loving hug. Same for Ann Romney, but the body language and actual style of the activity seems to be quite different, if only because she is taking the wannabe leader of the free world by the shoulders, as if to both shake him awake and console him, as if to say, telepathically, "Well, there's always that ski trip to the Alps."
As the sun sets on the for the most part English speaking empire here in the West of the North America, we watch as Romney's little blonde grandchild reach out to be held by the actual leader of the free world, Barack Obama. So innocent. So sweet. Nice looking kid. He might make a presidential candidate someday, or a become a ski instructor or a competition bicyclist in the Tour De France when he grows up.
Yep, that kid really is reaching for Obama, until he's whisked away, off-stage now, screaming.
We feel his pain.